So I’m normally so motivated to write these blogs and really enjoy doing them but I’m going through such a weird phase atm and I really don’t know why, to the point where I’m writing this on my notes page on my phone to copy and paste when I have the motivation to get my laptop out and upload this up on there as I’m literally struggling to enjoy anything (apart from spending a lot of time in bed) at the moment. Every other time I’ve decided to write I’ve been in a much more positive mindset than I am now but think it’s important for me to write as well when I’m not in the best place, not only for people to read, but for my own state of mind as well as writing these blogs has become such a good way for me to let all my feelings out and being so open with how I’m feeling has made me a more confident person along this long road of recovery that I’m still going down (feel like I’m going down it at 10 mph atm).
I honestly wish I could tell you what’s going on in my head right now but I honestly can’t as I have no clue at all, I don’t know why I’m feeling like this but the only 2 words that come close to how I’ve been feeling the past few weeks are sad and lost.
Recovery is so hard, and I just want to be better, and times like this make it so hard as it makes me think that I’m never going to get better as getting better is so much harder than I could ever anticipate. Trying to stay strong, please everyone around me and just get on with day to day tasks is such a struggle, especially in times like this. Some days are easier than others, and I can tell that I am getting better by the way I am dealing with everything when I’m having thoughts like I am currently, compared to how I would before and it shows me how far I’ve come and how much stronger I am. I’ve just come down on my dosage of my medication, and I really do think that it is just my body and my mind getting used to a lower dosage, as I was on such a high dosage for a long time so changing this is going to be a shock to the system, which was always going to happen but I thought that it would be a day or two to get my head around all this and not as long as a few weeks but I need to give myself the time I need to adjust as it is a big change and I’m not going to give up when I’ve come this far!
A few days ago I thought I was going to have a complete breakdown again, I’d felt like I’d become this person who I don’t even know anymore, and I do still feel that way, but after I’d had those thoughts I knew what I needed to do to help myself, so came back home to a completely different environment than I was in at uni and since then I have seen progress in myself. It might not be a lot of progress, but I’m very slowly getting there.
I can see a difference in myself which is the most important thing, as when I was at my lowest I overdosed but even though I am feeling so low currently, taking that course of action really isn’t on my mind at all and I know now that it’s not the way to deal with things, I’m not even considering doing it even though I’m so down atm which makes me so proud of how far I’ve come!!!! It’s so easy for me to just take to my bed and ignore the world for as long as I feel like when I’m feeling like this, which I definitely have done but not for long at all, I’ve tried so hard to keep going (even though all I’ve wanted to do is stay in bed, sleep and cry all the time). How I’m dealing with my emotions currently is so much better than I have done in the past, which makes me feel positive that I’m going in the right direction, I may not be there yet and it may take a lot longer than I ever anticipated but however long it takes to get there and get better, I will get through it, I’ve come too far to give up now!!! (most cringe thing I’ve ever said in my life soz)
Gee's Mental Health 