This one is going to be a hard one as I have absolutely no positive thoughts going through my head right now and usually when I’m writing these its about how I’ve been feeling in the past and how I’ve got past things but with this one I’m very much stuck in a rut with how I’m feeling. Writing this on here now is actually scaring and I’m still debating whether to post this or not but for me right now the only way of talking about how I’m feeling is through this blog and I’m sure many other uni students suffering from mental illness can relate to how I’m feeling right now.
I’m finding it sooooo hard to try and put a sentence together without having a panic attack at the moment, and this is putting a major strain on my uni work. When people said 3rd year was hard I never thought it would be like this!!!! Before all the stress of third year starter, on a bad day for me I’d spend it in bed crying, struggling to find the motivation to get up and do anything, I wouldn’t eat etc and things were bad, but before I could have bad days and not feel guilty about them as they did not happen that often as before, and knew that they would happen every now again in my process of getting better. Before Christmas I still even saw the occasional bad day, but knew there was time to do uni work and catch up without feeling guilty for being so depressed whilst trying to get a degree. Recently there are more bad days than good, and tbh most days seem like a bad day to me. I have no motivation to do anything apart from stay in bed all day with constant panic attacks and don’t even have the motivation to get out of bed and cook myself a meal, with this constant guilt of how much uni work I’ve got to do looming over me. All I do is think how the hell am i suppose to do all this stupid amounts of uni work to get a degree when I can’t even bring myself to get out of bed and make myself some food!!!! When you’re feeling so depressed to the point where you cant even get out of bed or eat how the hell are you supposed to write a dissertation with millions of essays on top of that????? My answer right now is I have no fucking clue, but all I know is that I will do it (somehow) (dont know how right now). Normally after writing these it helps me make more sense in my head of how I’m feeling and how to get through it, but right now I have no clue and even when people ask me why I’m feeling like this at the moment I can’t even give them an answer.
I’ve wrote this to not only TRY and help myself through this shitty time, but because I know there are so many other people out there who find it hard to put things into words but are going through the exact same thing. I find it so hard to talk about my feelings and constantly put on such an act cause I’m shit with my words in person so make a joke out of everything lol, and I don’t know any other way to get my feelings out other than this blog. People are out there telling people to talk and its so hard to find a way best for you to do so, so when you find a way pls keep at it!!!! Whether its writing your feelings down, talking to someone, making vlogs or whatever, you’ve got to find the right way that’s best for you!!!! (I know I shouldn’t have to justify how I let my feelings out with these blogs but people can be sooo judgy these days but pls if its not effecting ur life let people be pls xxxxxxxx)
Gee's Mental Health 