Haven’t wrote on here for a while because trying to figure out all the different things going on in my head and how to address each thing that’t going through my head has been so confusing for me, a lot of the time I just spent wondering what to write about as there are so many things going on and couldn’t just pin point one thing (hope that all makes sense lol nothing is making sense in my head atm). I’m so confused at how I’m feeling as for years of my life I have spent so down and depressed and now I’m finally getting better I’m like am I supposed to feel like this????? Actually feeling okay is a feeling that I’m really not used to and along the way I’ve realised that it’s okay to not know how I’m feeling each day, I don’t have to name an emotion for how I am feeling that day, it’s okay to just take one step at a time and not worry too much about how different I am feeling each day as this is how the process goes!! I am getting better and I am so much better than I used to be, even on my down days, which I am having a lot more recently than good days, but I know I am getting better because my down days are no where near as bad as they have been in the past years, and are more of just flat and drained days rather than so depressed, crying all day in bed days.
Thought I’d write a bit about my panic attacks and how they make me feel, especially afterwards. A couple of weeks ago, I had my first panic attack in months, as I hadn’t experienced it in so long, I completely forgot how horrible and draining they are. The thing that I remember most from the situation was how I was feeling after, not just straight after but for at least a day after this happened and how my whole body felt so weak and tired. I remember getting into bed that night, my body was so weak and I had no life in me at all, I had been crying all night which made my eyes all bloodshot and they were stinging for about a day after. Thinking back on this panic attack, my mind is such a blur about what happened during it was happening, but I remember how I was feeling after so clearly and I think this was because I hadn’t suffered with one in so long. I used to suffer with panic attacks so often and as I was so depressed and anxious at the time when they were the worst, I wouldn’t even notice the state that my mind and body would be in afterwards as I didn’t know what it was like during this time of my life to feel okay, so how down I was during that long period of time was the norm for me. When I woke up the next day after this panic attack a few weeks ago, I still felt horrible. My eyes were still bloodshot and stinging and they were also swollen, one of my eyes was a lot bigger than the other that I was starting to look like I’d been punched in the eye. I had absolutely no energy at all, all I wanted to do was stay in bed all day and not talk to anyone, I was so tired but I had to get a 3 hour train home and just couldn’t sleep when I was on there. I’ve become a lot better when it comes to controlling panic attacks and knowing what kind of environment, for example, would make me feel anxious in and bring on panic attacks so that I can try and leave the environment when I’m feeling this way but sometimes they come so out of the blue and you don’t know whats happening to you.
The process of getting better has really helped me to open my eyes and see that the life I had before my medication and process of getting better is not a way to live my life, I thought that it was so normal to be so depressed that I didn’t know what life was like even feeling happy, panic attacks were a daily thing that I didn’t know how bad the aftermaths were as they were normal feelings to me. Now that I am getting better, when I experience these things such as panic attacks, they are such big things for me and it makes me see that I can’t go back into the horrible depressed state that I have been in the past years. I am so much better and happier now (still not 100% and still taking my meds but I’m getting there slowly), and I don’t ever want myself to feel as low as I have felt in the past because the happiness that I am starting to feel as I am getting better is so amazing and it breaks my heart thinking that if my overdose was successful, I wouldn’t be feeling all this happiness that I am starting to now.
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Gee's Mental Health 